“A Very Brady Christmas”

Synopsis: The Brady Family all come back together to celebrate the holidays at the infamous Brady’s home. The original story line is that Mike is in jeopardy of a crisis with the structural integrity of one of the buildings he built. This is the least of his troubles as the rest of the family is coming apart. The twist is that EVERYONE of the Brady children are having relationship troubles and are trying to hide it from the parents: Marcia’s husband is an insecure lazy bum, Jan is leading to a divorce, Greg’s wife won’t have anything to do with him, and Peter is pussy whipped by his girlfriend.  Bobby has dropped out of college and Cindy wants to be all grown up as a senior in High School and run off to go skiing with her friends. Did I mention that Alice’s husband “Sam The Butcher” cheats on her and runs off with another woman? Lovely!

Where the show “Jumps the Shark”: The show does not have the original actors who play Cindy and Sam The Butcher. So the connection is completely lost between these new comers and the rest of the Brady’s. You keep thinking the entire time “Who are these people and where are the original actors?” Then you realized that the script is so bad that the original actors that play Cindy and Sam who couldn’t get any other acting gigs at the time STILL decided to not sign up for this project. Just when you think you can get over the new actors, you find yourself obsessed how Mike and Greg Brady look like a “before” and “after” photos for aging porn stars! The movie ends with (fake) Sam The Butcher begging Alice to forgive him as he was wrong to run off. Alice who chased Sam The Butcher for so many years forgives him and they all sing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”

Well over a decade ago, I received the following gifts all in one night during an annual Christmas Party among 5 friends:

5. A sweater in a size 2.  -  I am size 14. You might think that “Oh her friend just didn’t know her size.”  Ummm…nope. I’ve been a size 14 for quite some time and it’s my friend that is a size 2. Did I mention that I gave this friend that sweater for her birthday? Yikes!

4.  A toaster cozy = this is a cover for your toaster. - I did not have a toaster and besides this was something that used to be popular in 1960s. Not sure where the idea to give this as a gift came about.

3. A package of 6 different colored thread spools for a sewing machine. - At the time, I didn’t have a sewing machine and I couldn’t sew. The package was open and I think there were two colors missing. I assumed these were to be used to learn how to juggle or annoy my neighbor’s cat!

2. Quantity of (2) unwrapped tea bags directly from the box in a mint flavor and a package of expired Tic Tacs.  - In fairness, I do drink tea and eat Tic Tacs but what the heck was this person thinking? Did I mention that the friend wrapped the items in aluminum foil? I don’t suppose that really makes a difference except perhaps this friend was really wearing a tin foil hat and was taking pieces off of it to wrap gifts. Who knows!

….AND THE WORST PRESENT I GOT THAT EVENING?

1.       Used underwear with the elastic band outstretched! Yes, you read this right. This friend explained to me that she saw these pretty little underwear in her drawer that she no longer wanted to use and knew that I would just love it!

The latest commercials for Walmart is of this nice happy looking guy who helps people with some saving choices throughout the store. He gets a nice looking white lady and her one teenage daughter, who is polite and smiley, and as he takes them through the clean non crowded store to the electronic department to find a new cell phone for the teenager. The electronic clerk is there to show them the phone. Did I mention the floor looks spotless?

Which Walmart are they filming this? Who has ever gone to Walmart where the floors are clean, shelves have product on it, aisles are not crowded, and are able to find a happy attitude clerk? I went to my local Walmart on a Tuesday at 1:24 pm and after taking 20 minutes to find a parking spot, getting to the front entrance without stepping on gum or trash I get in to the store where kids are running and screaming around like they are on a playground, finding only one box of cereal on the shelves (well technically two but the other one was opened and already half eatened), then after I was able to get through the herds of people in the store who look like they woke from doing crack for a full week and have been wearing their clothes for the same amount of time they have decided go to Walmart. If that is not bad enough for the few items you can find in the store you decide to make your way to the checkout lines only to have the Mr. Crack Head finally wake and decide to start talking to a cashier, or maybe it’s the voices in their head as you are not sure if they are really answering the cashier or having a personal internal and outwardly conversation with themselves, and then they decide to do weird transactions like swiping their Library card for payment and showing a bad ID that I can see from the back of the line is fake; yet, when it’s my turn the cashier decides to scrutinize over my license because he doesn’t believe my age and for some reason Cracked Head Mc Snorty gets a free ride with his 9 bottles of Vodka, 2 cartons of cigarettes, and a box bullets that he somehow pays for while I get the Fort Knox treatment for buying BBQ sauce with whiskey in it! 

Have you ever seen an actor who was famous for one role and no matter what else they tried out for they could never get out of that stereo type casted role and after decades later or so you hear about them sitting at the end of the bar drunk and just before they pass out they scream “I was America’s sweetheart?” This is who Alana, aka Honey Boo Boo will be when she is 43!

This redneck family who has no rules, boundaries, or manners is raising children. Attempts for daily routine include shampooing their hair in the sink while the rest of the body aches for some soap, belly flopping into a mud pit, and having a teacup pig in their bedroom while taking their youngest child Alana to glitzy pageants. I could (almost) handle all of the above but TLC has to translate what they are saying into sub-titles!

So will I watch the rest of the season of this show? Yes, totally. I love a disaster and I bet you anything this show will be a guilty pleasure!

Don’t sign up for internet dating. I don’t care if it has 52 elements of dimension to it for to find you the right match or if 1 out of 5 marriages come from match.com. Run. Run away from these sites and do something else to find a date like become a nun. I don’t care if you are Jewish, your life would be much more easier than trying to date guys from the internet.

I’m sitting here seeing so many commercials with happy excited prospective people on dates from match.com and eharmony and it makes me want to throw up.  Thank goodness I am no longer single because I remember those lonely days and nights where I hoped I would find someone nice to go out on dates with. Instead, I was bombarded with every type of weirdo, ego maniac, stalker, convicted felon, guy out there. And those were just the ones I weeded out!

So, I  comprised a list of red flags that I turned into questions so that I can avoid dating any man who has these qualities. I’ve listed out the questions and underneath have written out some notes.

Besides your face, is there any other body part that you shave (or wax)?
I would have never thought to ask this but I had a “speed-dater” tell me that he waxed everything. First, this is too much information when you first meet someone. Second, ewww I don’t want some that clean. Third, just how much hair does he have on his body that he has to do this regularly?

Do you have any fetishes?
Most normal guys laugh at this and make up something really funny. Not normal guys take this seriously and answer something entirely creepy. A guy I met on an internet dating site told me that he liked wearing women’s lingerie, having his hair and make up done by his female lover and then taking on the role of a passive woman while his lover is physically aggressive in bed.

What do you like about women?
This question was never to be a “red flag” question. I ask this to gain insight on how he understands and respects woman. However, I had the following told to me after meeting a guy on an internet dating site, “I like a woman who will take care of me. Someone who will do everything that my mother does now (Side note: We are both in our mid thirties) laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc…” I reply, “What about someone to take care of your physical needs?” (Hint: a question about sex). “My mother rubs my back every night because it helps relieve my stress.” Ewwwww!!!

Do you have any roommates?
This is to weed out anyone living with a mother, parents, and/or a so called “ex-wife.” I ran into a lot of guys who were sleeping on their mother’s couch, in an extra room, or basement. Regardless, this question really came from a guy who told me that he was still sleeping at his ex-wife’s house on the couch. “She’s cool with me dating.” I immediately come back with, “How long have you been separated?” “Oh…” he says. “…only about 2 months.” Well then, sign me up! That won’t be at all uncomfortable. I can just picture the scenario. We’ll go back to his house to make out on the couch and his ex-wife walks by to get a glass of water while clearing her throat. I’m certain she’s okay with it and so am I!

Do you have more than one tooth?
This question is supposed to be a joke. I had one person I met on-line that I was talking to by phone answer it in the following way: “Well…errr… you see…” I knew I was in trouble.

I should check on WebMD to see what the first stages of a seizure. I loved the song duet between Jennifer Holiday and Jessica Sanchez last night on American Idol but something was seriously wrong with Jennifer’s contorted face and body reactions to the song. I swore at one point I thought she would swallow Jessica’s face. Luckily for us she didn’t and the show continued but in the meantime, I’m going to have some serious heebie jeebies imprinted in my brain!

* Did you sleep with their boyfriend?

* Did you sleep with your ugliest friend’s boyfriend?

* Are you a whore?

I always find it odd that the people who complain about others texting while they are sitting in front of someone are the people who are texting while sitting in front of you.

1. Start by making up small stuff to see how far you can go.  Try something like “I milked my dog today.” 
2. If it does not even faze her go for broke say things like “I need you to agree on giving me a check for $20,000 that I will never pay you back on.”
3. Then, get braver and blurt out stuff that if the normal person was paying attention to would admit you to a psych-ward: “Well, I smoked a tube of glue and was knocked out for a week and woke up at the Sizzler eating out of the salad bar while a cat was dying on my leg.”

The lesson learned here is that your friend is a total douche for meeting up with you only to completely ignore and waste your time. You are worth more than that. Find another friend who has an interest in you and not their phone.